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likealark2025-07-01 11:51 am
outstretched) wrote in likealark2025-07-01 11:51 am
Entry tags:
Splintering: Behind The Scenes
This fic came in like a wrecking ball, as they say. I'm too tired to write a formal essay about everything I was trying to communicate through this fic, so instead, here's a bunch of chatlogs from my friends who held my hand while I poured out all the transgender feelings I had inside of me.
While these are the things that I was holding in my mind as I wrote this fic, I firmly believe in death of the author. If you got something else from this fic besides what I wrote here, you're correct (and please tell me about it bc I want to know)!
CWs: discussion of rape, sexual assault, gender dysphoria
Ciry — 6/9/2025 7:50 AM
tfw when the spirit of fandom possesses you and you write 1k and counting for a fandom you haven't been in for even 12 hours yet
i am so hyperfixated it's so bad
the plot is actually kind of cool
Friend One — 6/9/2025 2:56 PM
50 fic ideas incoming
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:56 PM
[explanation of the plot of Link Click]...
but also
they're literally roommates
they literally have bunk beds they're literally roommates
so anyway i was like
so obviously someone's written the fic where they both come back from a case where they had to do something sexual, and they come back both kind of horny, and pining lu guang has to listen to cheng xiaoshi quietly jacking off in his bunk. like this fic HAS to exist right it's so OBVIOUS
and my friend was like....go for it man
and now i'm in hell
--
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:50 PM
do they use the same ship name for both top/bottom dynamics?
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:51 PM
nope, it’s shiguang for top!cxs, guangshi for top!lg
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:52 PM
the canon "implying" that cxs is the top is both hilarious and fascinating
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:52 PM
is he on the top bunk? i may need to check that…
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:53 PM
oh
lg has the top bunk. that's literally the secondary plot of this fic lol
i fixated on this fact Immediately in episode one and it has only gotten worse over time
--
Ciry — 6/11 at 12:54 PM
This fic features a male character who has sex for the first time when he's in a woman's body
And I was like, this is gonna be so easy! It's basically my lived experience!
Friend Three — 6/11 at 12:54 PM
Ohhhhhhhh
Ciry — 6/11 at 12:55 PM
But my brain is like. You idiot. You absolute fool. Did you forget that you hate that lived experience. I am now going to slide off every time you try to write this
And I'm like NOOOOOO
It made me realize that, even though I've written porn of all genders before, I've literally never written the pov of a cis female receiver and ooooh, that's why...
--
Ciry — 6/11 at 12:57 PM
This fic made me realize that the reason I like noncon/dubcon where the person is forced to feel pleasure somewhat against their will is because that's literally my entire experience. Like. It feels great when my dfab body is touched. Also none of those bits are supposed to be on me
Friend One — 6/11 at 1:03 PM
This sounds like one hell of an experience, and tbh I think you saying that thing about non/dubcon made it click for me too and suddenly makes things make so much more sense
Ciry — 6/11 at 1:03 PM
It also made me realize why I like mtf transformation porn with the specific tone of "the female body is crazy and I can't handle this" because, like. Yeah. Same
Friend One — 6/11 at 1:04 PM
Same
Ciry — 6/11 at 1:04 PM
But I thought at first I was going to come at this from that pov
"Oh, wait, I like this, am I actually a woman?" But nope
Tfw when having sex as a woman actually affirms that he's a cis guy, whoops
In that way it's actually kind of roundabout affirming for me, personally, to work on
Also like
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:19 PM
the pronouns for this section are absolute hell
because like, he's a cis man, in a woman's body, having sex with an OC who is not named
pronouns???????????
Friend One — 6/11 at 2:19 PM
lol I can see that being confusing. Sex scenes can be very difficult with samey pronouns
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:20 PM
oh no that's 2d chess and i'm out here playing 3d chess
"he" is accurate to cxs but not accurate to the body he's in. "she" is accurate to the body but not to cxs. and since the other character isn't named, i want to use "he" for the OC and for cxs. but if i use "he" for both of them, but also sometimes "she" for the main character, then it's even more confusing.
i'm kind of trying to thread the needle of, when he's feeling more dysphoric the narrative turns into a "puppeteer vs puppet" situation. where it uses "he" when cxs is puppeteering, but "she"= when it's referring to the puppet.
and when he's less dysphoric/more in the moment, it uses more "he."
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:22 PM
it's really hard
Friend One — 6/11 at 2:23 PM
That’s what he/she said 😏
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:23 PM
;ALDSF;LKSASRE
TRUEEEEEEEEEEE
--
Ciry — 6/19 at 2:23 AM
on top of all the gender stuff already in here, i think one of the throughlines of the fic is basically—
cxs, to lg: let's do time traveling for money, it'll be great
me: you have time traveling at home
the time traveling at home: ptsd dissociative panic attacks
--
Ciry — 6/26 3:35 PM
I'm really glad what lg says to cxs in the second half of ch2 resonated with you
It's the emotional core of the fic
Friend One — 6/26 3:36 PM
It is very intense and in the best possible way.
I don't know if it's intentional or not, but how Lu Guang responds and tells him it doesn't count and that what he wants to do is what counts makes me think of how some people respond to having been sexually assaulted, and wondering if it could count as a 'first time' or not. Lu Guang's response and how it makes Cheng Xiaoshi feel is very nice to read
Ciry — 6/26 3:36 PM
The reason it sounds similar to sexual assault is because an underlying theme in the fic, which I care about deeply and never talk about, is that I think it is possible to be raped/assaulted without the other involved party/ies being a rapist(s)/abuser(s).
Friend One — 6/26 3:37 PM
I've never heard it stated like that, but now that you've said it that makes sense.
Ciry — 6/26 3:37 PM
And because imo having sex in a way that triggers your gender dysphoria is a type of assault. It's not the other party's fault, assuming they didn't know/it wasn't intentional. It's also not your fault. It's no one's fault. But it's still assault.
Ciry — 6/26 3:50 PM
I mean, I've never seen it described as assault. But based on my lived experience, they work on the same wavelength.
Friend One — 6/26 3:51 PM
I think because it can be like an assault on the mind, in a way? Dysphoria in general, I mean, but sex that makes a person dysphoric is like extra intense
While these are the things that I was holding in my mind as I wrote this fic, I firmly believe in death of the author. If you got something else from this fic besides what I wrote here, you're correct (and please tell me about it bc I want to know)!
CWs: discussion of rape, sexual assault, gender dysphoria
Ciry — 6/9/2025 7:50 AM
tfw when the spirit of fandom possesses you and you write 1k and counting for a fandom you haven't been in for even 12 hours yet
i am so hyperfixated it's so bad
the plot is actually kind of cool
Friend One — 6/9/2025 2:56 PM
50 fic ideas incoming
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:56 PM
[explanation of the plot of Link Click]...
but also
they're literally roommates
they literally have bunk beds they're literally roommates
so anyway i was like
so obviously someone's written the fic where they both come back from a case where they had to do something sexual, and they come back both kind of horny, and pining lu guang has to listen to cheng xiaoshi quietly jacking off in his bunk. like this fic HAS to exist right it's so OBVIOUS
and my friend was like....go for it man
and now i'm in hell
--
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:50 PM
do they use the same ship name for both top/bottom dynamics?
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:51 PM
nope, it’s shiguang for top!cxs, guangshi for top!lg
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:52 PM
the canon "implying" that cxs is the top is both hilarious and fascinating
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:52 PM
is he on the top bunk? i may need to check that…
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:53 PM
oh
lg has the top bunk. that's literally the secondary plot of this fic lol
i fixated on this fact Immediately in episode one and it has only gotten worse over time
--
Ciry — 6/11 at 12:54 PM
This fic features a male character who has sex for the first time when he's in a woman's body
And I was like, this is gonna be so easy! It's basically my lived experience!
Friend Three — 6/11 at 12:54 PM
Ohhhhhhhh
Ciry — 6/11 at 12:55 PM
But my brain is like. You idiot. You absolute fool. Did you forget that you hate that lived experience. I am now going to slide off every time you try to write this
And I'm like NOOOOOO
It made me realize that, even though I've written porn of all genders before, I've literally never written the pov of a cis female receiver and ooooh, that's why...
--
Ciry — 6/11 at 12:57 PM
This fic made me realize that the reason I like noncon/dubcon where the person is forced to feel pleasure somewhat against their will is because that's literally my entire experience. Like. It feels great when my dfab body is touched. Also none of those bits are supposed to be on me
Friend One — 6/11 at 1:03 PM
This sounds like one hell of an experience, and tbh I think you saying that thing about non/dubcon made it click for me too and suddenly makes things make so much more sense
Ciry — 6/11 at 1:03 PM
It also made me realize why I like mtf transformation porn with the specific tone of "the female body is crazy and I can't handle this" because, like. Yeah. Same
Friend One — 6/11 at 1:04 PM
Same
Ciry — 6/11 at 1:04 PM
But I thought at first I was going to come at this from that pov
"Oh, wait, I like this, am I actually a woman?" But nope
Tfw when having sex as a woman actually affirms that he's a cis guy, whoops
In that way it's actually kind of roundabout affirming for me, personally, to work on
Also like
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:19 PM
the pronouns for this section are absolute hell
because like, he's a cis man, in a woman's body, having sex with an OC who is not named
pronouns???????????
Friend One — 6/11 at 2:19 PM
lol I can see that being confusing. Sex scenes can be very difficult with samey pronouns
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:20 PM
oh no that's 2d chess and i'm out here playing 3d chess
"he" is accurate to cxs but not accurate to the body he's in. "she" is accurate to the body but not to cxs. and since the other character isn't named, i want to use "he" for the OC and for cxs. but if i use "he" for both of them, but also sometimes "she" for the main character, then it's even more confusing.
i'm kind of trying to thread the needle of, when he's feeling more dysphoric the narrative turns into a "puppeteer vs puppet" situation. where it uses "he" when cxs is puppeteering, but "she"= when it's referring to the puppet.
and when he's less dysphoric/more in the moment, it uses more "he."
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:22 PM
it's really hard
Friend One — 6/11 at 2:23 PM
That’s what he/she said 😏
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:23 PM
;ALDSF;LKSASRE
TRUEEEEEEEEEEE
--
Ciry — 6/19 at 2:23 AM
on top of all the gender stuff already in here, i think one of the throughlines of the fic is basically—
cxs, to lg: let's do time traveling for money, it'll be great
me: you have time traveling at home
the time traveling at home: ptsd dissociative panic attacks
--
Ciry — 6/26 3:35 PM
I'm really glad what lg says to cxs in the second half of ch2 resonated with you
It's the emotional core of the fic
Friend One — 6/26 3:36 PM
It is very intense and in the best possible way.
I don't know if it's intentional or not, but how Lu Guang responds and tells him it doesn't count and that what he wants to do is what counts makes me think of how some people respond to having been sexually assaulted, and wondering if it could count as a 'first time' or not. Lu Guang's response and how it makes Cheng Xiaoshi feel is very nice to read
Ciry — 6/26 3:36 PM
The reason it sounds similar to sexual assault is because an underlying theme in the fic, which I care about deeply and never talk about, is that I think it is possible to be raped/assaulted without the other involved party/ies being a rapist(s)/abuser(s).
Friend One — 6/26 3:37 PM
I've never heard it stated like that, but now that you've said it that makes sense.
Ciry — 6/26 3:37 PM
And because imo having sex in a way that triggers your gender dysphoria is a type of assault. It's not the other party's fault, assuming they didn't know/it wasn't intentional. It's also not your fault. It's no one's fault. But it's still assault.
Ciry — 6/26 3:50 PM
I mean, I've never seen it described as assault. But based on my lived experience, they work on the same wavelength.
Friend One — 6/26 3:51 PM
I think because it can be like an assault on the mind, in a way? Dysphoria in general, I mean, but sex that makes a person dysphoric is like extra intense