For every mile of ocean crossed ☆ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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likealark2025-06-12 07:53 am
outstretched) wrote in likealark2025-06-12 07:53 am
Entry tags:
Splintering: Behind the Scenes
This fic came in like a wrecking ball, as they say. I'm too tired to write a formal essay about everything I was trying to communicate through this fic, so instead, here's a bunch of chatlogs from my friends who held my hand while I poured out all the transgender feelings I had inside of me.
Ciry — 6/9/2025 7:50 AM
tfw when the spirit of fandom possesses you and you write 1k and counting for a fandom you haven't been in for even 12 hours yet
god
i have to go to bed but man
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:53 PM
i am so hyperfixated it's so bad
i was typing "idk if i have more than this one fic idea in me" but then i realized i had already talked to my friend about a second one...
Friend One — 6/9/2025 2:55 PM
lol
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:55 PM
okay listen though
listen
Friend One — 6/9/2025 2:55 PM
You cannot stop it now
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:56 PM
the plot is actually kind of cool
Friend One — 6/9/2025 2:56 PM
50 fic ideas incoming
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:56 PM
[explanation of the plot of Link Click]...
but also
they're literally roommates
they literally have bunk beds they're literally roommates
the show is 100% driven by their deepening trust and understanding of one another as they trauma bond at lightspeed
but at least in season 1 the vibe i get is that [lu guang] is horribly in love and pining and [cheng xiaoshi] is oblivious. but also, i love pining, so maybe i'm biased.
so anyway i was like
Friend One — 6/9/2025 2:59 PM
“Trauma bond at lightspeed” best quote
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:59 PM
so obviously someone's written the fic where they both come back from a case where they had to do something sexual, and they come back both kind of horny, and pining lu guang has to listen to cheng xiaoshi quietly jacking off in his bunk. like this fic HAS to exist right it's so OBVIOUS
and my friend was like....go for it man
and now i'm in hell
--
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:35 PM
do their names mean anything in chinese?
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:36 PM
yes 👀
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:36 PM
ooooh what!!
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:36 PM
the xiaoshi in cheng xiaoshi literally means hour
guang in lu guang is light
their ship name (and also the name of their photo studio lol) is shiguang, which is a more general and more poetic word for time, period of time, an era
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:40 PM
this is so beautiful...
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:43 PM
it is, and it’s so deliberate
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:50 PM
do they use the same ship name for both top/bottom dynamics?
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:51 PM
nope, it’s shiguang for top!cxs, guangshi for top!lg
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:52 PM
but the canon "implying" that cxs is the top is both hilarious and fascinating
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:52 PM
is he on the top bunk? i may need to check that…
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:53 PM
oh
lg has the top bunk. that's literally the secondary plot of this fic lol
i fixated on this fact Immediately in episode one and it has only gotten worse over time
--
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:54 PM
i just figured out why i find them so easy to write. it's because i've been writing red/green bickering for 15 years.
cracks my knuckles. my time has come
--
Ciry — 6/9/2025 3:48 PM
so i don't really outline but i write one-sentence notes for what i want each scene to be, as they come to me, so i don't forget
so far my notes for this fic are
I'm doing great
--
Ciry — 6/11 at 1:54 AM
i have a third idea for a link click fic...
i don't have a problem. i can quit any time i want.
Friend One — 6/11 at 3:36 AM
Riiiiight, not problem at all
[note: As of posting this fic I'm up to 6 ideas now. send help]
--
Ciry — 6/11 at 12:54 PM
This fic features a male character who has sex for the first time when he's in a woman's body
And I was like, this is gonna be so easy! It's basically my lived experience!
Friend Three — 6/11 at 12:54 PM
Ohhhhhhhh
Ciry — 6/11 at 12:55 PM
But my brain is like. You idiot. You absolute fool. Did you forget that you hate that lived experience. I am now going to slide off every time you try to write this
And I'm like NOOOOOO
It made me realize that, even though I've written het and lesbian porn before, I've literally never written the pov of the female receiver and ooooh, that's why... I'm learning so much about myself....
It's cathartic, in the ripping out chunks way
--
Ciry — 6/11 at 5:46 AM
4.7k...
Ciry — 6/11 at 12:57 PM
This fic made me realize that the reason I like noncon/dubcon where the person is forced to feel pleasure somewhat against their will is because that's literally my entire experience. Like. It feels great when my female body is touched. Also none of those bits are supposed to be on me
Friend One — 6/11 at 1:03 PM
This sounds like one hell of an experience, and tbh I think you saying that thing about non/dubcon made it click for me too and suddenly makes things make so much more sense
Ciry — 6/11 at 1:03 PM
It also made me realize why I like mtf transformation porn with the specific tone of "the female body is crazy and I can't handle this" because, like. Yeah. Same
Friend One — 6/11 at 1:04 PM
Same
Ciry — 6/11 at 1:04 PM
But I thought at first I was going to come at this from that pov
"Oh, wait, I like this, am I actually a woman?" But nope
Tfw when having sex as a woman actually affirms that he's a cis guy, whoops
In that way it's actually kind of roundabout affirming for me, personally, to work on
Also like
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:19 PM
the pronouns for this section are absolute hell
because like, he's a cis man, in a woman's body, having sex with an OC who is not named
pronouns???????????
Friend One — 6/11 at 2:19 PM
lol I can see that being confusing. Sex scenes can be very difficult with samey pronouns
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:20 PM
oh no that's 2d chess and i'm out here playing 3d chess
"he" is accurate to [cxs] but not accurate to the body he's in. "she" is accurate to the body but not to [cxs]. and since the other character isn't named, i want to use "he" for the OC and for [cxs]. but if i use "he" for both of them, but also sometimes "she" for the main character, then it's even more confusing.
i'm kind of trying to thread the needle of, when he's feeling more dysphoric the narrative turns into a "puppeteer vs puppet" situation. where it uses "he" when [cxs is] puppeteering, but "she"= when it's referring to the puppet.
and when he's less dysphoric/more in the moment, it uses more "he."
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:22 PM
it's really hard
Friend One — 6/11 at 2:23 PM
That’s what he/she said 😏
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:23 PM
;ALDSF;LKSASRE
TRUEEEEEEEEEEE
--
Ciry — 6/19 at 2:23 AM
on top of all the gender stuff already in here, i think one of the throughlines of the fic is basically—
cxs, to lg: let's do time traveling for money, it'll be great
me: you have time traveling at home
the time time traveling at home: ptsd dissociative panic attacks
--
Ciry — 6/20/25 at 11:52 AM
so I finally, finally got them into bed, and after literal days of wrestling with this scene, I'm just staring despondently at the 3k of writing i had to throw out as i kept hitting dead ends, rewinding, following another path, getting a little further before hitting another dead end, rewinding...
the fic is "only" 12k but with all the writing i threw out it would be 15k...
and, even more offensive, i finally found a way to get the scene where they're finally in bed to an emotionally satisfying end point, but nobody has had an orgasm yet.
what if i just made them wake up the next morning and then finally actually have sex after me desperately trying to make that happen for like two weeks straight. i'm dying.
Friend Two — 6/20/25 at 11:54 AM
you should try that and see how it scans after you’re done
so that at the very least you have something to review
Ciry — 6/20/25 at 11:56 AM
i'm so tired, i've been fighting with this fic for so long. i just think they should have an orgasm, as a treat. why is this so hard.
Friend Two — 11:56 AM
so treat it as a treat…. let them have orgasms in [an] epilogue chapter?
Ciry — 6/20/25 at 11:57 AM
yeah... i'm gonna go for it ;A;
Friend Two — 6/20/25 at 11:57 AM
i support you!!!
Ciry — 6/22/25 at 12:46 AM
my brain, suddenly waking up: WHAT IF YOU MADE THE LU GUANG FTM, I MEAN THAT'S YOUR HEADCANON ANYWAY
me: CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT GENDER FOR LIKE ONE FUCKING SCENE?
anyway I did it and the fic falls together more cohesively as a result.
Aims the gender gun at everyone.
No one is safe, least of all me.
Ciry — 6/9/2025 7:50 AM
tfw when the spirit of fandom possesses you and you write 1k and counting for a fandom you haven't been in for even 12 hours yet
god
i have to go to bed but man
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:53 PM
i am so hyperfixated it's so bad
i was typing "idk if i have more than this one fic idea in me" but then i realized i had already talked to my friend about a second one...
Friend One — 6/9/2025 2:55 PM
lol
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:55 PM
okay listen though
listen
Friend One — 6/9/2025 2:55 PM
You cannot stop it now
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:56 PM
the plot is actually kind of cool
Friend One — 6/9/2025 2:56 PM
50 fic ideas incoming
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:56 PM
[explanation of the plot of Link Click]...
but also
they're literally roommates
they literally have bunk beds they're literally roommates
the show is 100% driven by their deepening trust and understanding of one another as they trauma bond at lightspeed
but at least in season 1 the vibe i get is that [lu guang] is horribly in love and pining and [cheng xiaoshi] is oblivious. but also, i love pining, so maybe i'm biased.
so anyway i was like
Friend One — 6/9/2025 2:59 PM
“Trauma bond at lightspeed” best quote
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:59 PM
so obviously someone's written the fic where they both come back from a case where they had to do something sexual, and they come back both kind of horny, and pining lu guang has to listen to cheng xiaoshi quietly jacking off in his bunk. like this fic HAS to exist right it's so OBVIOUS
and my friend was like....go for it man
and now i'm in hell
--
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:35 PM
do their names mean anything in chinese?
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:36 PM
yes 👀
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:36 PM
ooooh what!!
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:36 PM
the xiaoshi in cheng xiaoshi literally means hour
guang in lu guang is light
their ship name (and also the name of their photo studio lol) is shiguang, which is a more general and more poetic word for time, period of time, an era
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:40 PM
this is so beautiful...
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:43 PM
it is, and it’s so deliberate
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:50 PM
do they use the same ship name for both top/bottom dynamics?
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:51 PM
nope, it’s shiguang for top!cxs, guangshi for top!lg
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:52 PM
but the canon "implying" that cxs is the top is both hilarious and fascinating
Friend Two — 6/9/2025 2:52 PM
is he on the top bunk? i may need to check that…
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:53 PM
oh
lg has the top bunk. that's literally the secondary plot of this fic lol
i fixated on this fact Immediately in episode one and it has only gotten worse over time
--
Ciry — 6/9/2025 2:54 PM
i just figured out why i find them so easy to write. it's because i've been writing red/green bickering for 15 years.
cracks my knuckles. my time has come
--
Ciry — 6/9/2025 3:48 PM
so i don't really outline but i write one-sentence notes for what i want each scene to be, as they come to me, so i don't forget
so far my notes for this fic are
present:
the case starts - cxs going into the past and being like, um. i have never done this before. how does sex work. help.
--
past:
lg jacking off lol
--
present:
cxs doing a sex ft ceiling cat lg
I'm doing great
--
Ciry — 6/11 at 1:54 AM
i have a third idea for a link click fic...
i don't have a problem. i can quit any time i want.
Friend One — 6/11 at 3:36 AM
Riiiiight, not problem at all
[note: As of posting this fic I'm up to 6 ideas now. send help]
--
Ciry — 6/11 at 12:54 PM
This fic features a male character who has sex for the first time when he's in a woman's body
And I was like, this is gonna be so easy! It's basically my lived experience!
Friend Three — 6/11 at 12:54 PM
Ohhhhhhhh
Ciry — 6/11 at 12:55 PM
But my brain is like. You idiot. You absolute fool. Did you forget that you hate that lived experience. I am now going to slide off every time you try to write this
And I'm like NOOOOOO
It made me realize that, even though I've written het and lesbian porn before, I've literally never written the pov of the female receiver and ooooh, that's why... I'm learning so much about myself....
It's cathartic, in the ripping out chunks way
--
Ciry — 6/11 at 5:46 AM
4.7k...
Ciry — 6/11 at 12:57 PM
This fic made me realize that the reason I like noncon/dubcon where the person is forced to feel pleasure somewhat against their will is because that's literally my entire experience. Like. It feels great when my female body is touched. Also none of those bits are supposed to be on me
Friend One — 6/11 at 1:03 PM
This sounds like one hell of an experience, and tbh I think you saying that thing about non/dubcon made it click for me too and suddenly makes things make so much more sense
Ciry — 6/11 at 1:03 PM
It also made me realize why I like mtf transformation porn with the specific tone of "the female body is crazy and I can't handle this" because, like. Yeah. Same
Friend One — 6/11 at 1:04 PM
Same
Ciry — 6/11 at 1:04 PM
But I thought at first I was going to come at this from that pov
"Oh, wait, I like this, am I actually a woman?" But nope
Tfw when having sex as a woman actually affirms that he's a cis guy, whoops
In that way it's actually kind of roundabout affirming for me, personally, to work on
Also like
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:19 PM
the pronouns for this section are absolute hell
because like, he's a cis man, in a woman's body, having sex with an OC who is not named
pronouns???????????
Friend One — 6/11 at 2:19 PM
lol I can see that being confusing. Sex scenes can be very difficult with samey pronouns
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:20 PM
oh no that's 2d chess and i'm out here playing 3d chess
"he" is accurate to [cxs] but not accurate to the body he's in. "she" is accurate to the body but not to [cxs]. and since the other character isn't named, i want to use "he" for the OC and for [cxs]. but if i use "he" for both of them, but also sometimes "she" for the main character, then it's even more confusing.
i'm kind of trying to thread the needle of, when he's feeling more dysphoric the narrative turns into a "puppeteer vs puppet" situation. where it uses "he" when [cxs is] puppeteering, but "she"= when it's referring to the puppet.
and when he's less dysphoric/more in the moment, it uses more "he."
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:22 PM
it's really hard
Friend One — 6/11 at 2:23 PM
That’s what he/she said 😏
Ciry — 6/11 at 2:23 PM
;ALDSF;LKSASRE
TRUEEEEEEEEEEE
--
Ciry — 6/19 at 2:23 AM
on top of all the gender stuff already in here, i think one of the throughlines of the fic is basically—
cxs, to lg: let's do time traveling for money, it'll be great
me: you have time traveling at home
the time time traveling at home: ptsd dissociative panic attacks
--
Ciry — 6/20/25 at 11:52 AM
so I finally, finally got them into bed, and after literal days of wrestling with this scene, I'm just staring despondently at the 3k of writing i had to throw out as i kept hitting dead ends, rewinding, following another path, getting a little further before hitting another dead end, rewinding...
the fic is "only" 12k but with all the writing i threw out it would be 15k...
and, even more offensive, i finally found a way to get the scene where they're finally in bed to an emotionally satisfying end point, but nobody has had an orgasm yet.
what if i just made them wake up the next morning and then finally actually have sex after me desperately trying to make that happen for like two weeks straight. i'm dying.
Friend Two — 6/20/25 at 11:54 AM
you should try that and see how it scans after you’re done
so that at the very least you have something to review
Ciry — 6/20/25 at 11:56 AM
i'm so tired, i've been fighting with this fic for so long. i just think they should have an orgasm, as a treat. why is this so hard.
Friend Two — 11:56 AM
so treat it as a treat…. let them have orgasms in [an] epilogue chapter?
Ciry — 6/20/25 at 11:57 AM
yeah... i'm gonna go for it ;A;
Friend Two — 6/20/25 at 11:57 AM
i support you!!!
Ciry — 6/22/25 at 12:46 AM
my brain, suddenly waking up: WHAT IF YOU MADE THE LU GUANG FTM, I MEAN THAT'S YOUR HEADCANON ANYWAY
me: CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT GENDER FOR LIKE ONE FUCKING SCENE?
anyway I did it and the fic falls together more cohesively as a result.
Aims the gender gun at everyone.
No one is safe, least of all me.